Five months into 2022 and so far, I’ve done more reflection than anything else. Usually, my time of reflection and meditation only lasts a couple of days to a week, but this time is different. For months, I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around a few different things as I decide my next steps in life. I’ve always prided myself on having a plan and following that plan, but the last few months have caused me to live in the now instead of looking ahead to the future. This time has been a little difficult for me because I consider myself a futurist and having things mapped out allows me to move towards that goal or achievement. This time of reflection has caused me to live in my brain and explore the many different facets of my core and what makes me who I am. There are only a handful of people that have ever had the pleasure of me opening up to them and one thing I always talk about, and question is my vocation.

I constantly question my purpose in life, and if I am doing what God wants me to do. I know that we should never question the purpose that God has for us, but sometimes I feel lost, frustrated even, as I search for an answer that God has probably already shown me. Everyone knows my passion for writing and I love being able to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper, but as I pursue this path, there seems to be something missing. There’s a void, or empty space that I have as I walk along this journey, which in turn, makes me question if I should even continue to pursue it. It’s not like I lost my passion for writing or fell out of love with it. I have the ideas and stories, but there still seems to be something missing, and it frustrates me. This frustration caused me to take a break from writing and explore the reason why I am so frustrated. I believe that it falls in line with another piece of my core, which is my need for being the best.

My pursuit for greatness is something that I truly covet because that is what I want for myself in this lifetime. Being the greatest of all time or the best gives me that sense of purpose and something to strive for, but as I dive deeper into this, I question my need for this. Why do I need to be the best? Maybe it is the doubt that people cast on to me and my need to prove them wrong. But why do I need to prove them wrong? These questions have caused a difficult conundrum for me because I don’t have a definitive answer for these questions. I dedicated all of my time, energy, and effort into being great because I was never comfortable with being just average. But in my pursuit of never being average, I have pushed myself to try to chase something that is truly unattainable.

Which now leads me to the heart of my core, and that is my need for PERFECTION. Chasing perfection has caused me to look at most of the things that I’ve done in my life and view them as not good enough. “This isn’t good enough,” “This is expected. There is so much more you can do,” “This is why you work right? You need it to be perfect,” is just a few things that I tell myself on my journey and I would use this as fuel to push harder for what I want. Reading scripts and constantly seeing how my writing stacks up has caused me to compare my writing to others and push myself to better my writing so that it stands out, and when it doesn’t, I fall into a state of despair and view my writing as not good enough. It’s not perfect, which in turn, makes me frustrated because those doubters that I want to prove wrong so badly, now have ammo to back up their claims, which in turn makes me question if writing is what I am supposed to do. Pushing myself to be perfect has caused me feel unfulfilled when I accomplish one of my goals. Pushing myself to be perfect has caused me to strip myself of appreciating most of the wonderful things that I’ve done in my life. It has been said that comparison is the thief of joy, and I have been robbing myself of so much joy and appreciation for myself because of my constant pursuit of perfection. My current state of mind has hampered my growth because I have been trying to pursue something that does not exist. I shouldn’t be trying to write the perfect first draft because there is no draft that will ever be perfect. I should not cling on to those doubters and constantly try to prove them wrong because I’ll never be at peace with myself. I need to give myself more credit for everything that I have accomplished at the young age of 28. There is so much more that I can do, but I will need to refocus my energy into a journey that aligns more with my own personal growth. I am still a work in progress, I have flaws, and I can never be or construct something that is perfect. Instead, I can relish in my failures because they will be a part of the journey and cherish all of the things that I have accomplished in this lifetime.

In closing, if you have made it this far in my story, I appreciate you. You, the reader, not only supports me, but you are walking with me on this journey that I don’t have all of the answers to, and I’ve come to accept that this is okay. I pray that God continues to work through me and you. I know that he has led me on this path for a reason and I’m grateful. I know that things may not always work in my favor, but that’s the journey. God, continue to work through me to make me something that is not only great, but transcendent so that it gives others hope. Continue to allow me find out new things about myself on my journey. Continue to guide me and keep me focused on the path that you have laid out, and I know that with you in my corner, I never need to be perfect.